The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
You Might Also Like
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Mountain Goat : )
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?