The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
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Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I have never related to anyone more.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
nobody’s gonna understand
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.