The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
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I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
forgive me baja for i have blast
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
thinking about this
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.