the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
You Might Also Like
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Mission: Impossible
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once