the council will decide your fate
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Fidel Castro was alive?
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
something like this could probably happen to anyone
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.