The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
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2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.