The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
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No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor