The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
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my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
“i miss shittin on people”
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.