The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
You Might Also Like
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Day 2 of my diet
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
The “baby” on the left….
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?