@_wangwe

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

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@FatherWithTwins

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

@bewgtweets

*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*

@MouVanLee

Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.

@capnwatsisname

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

@prasdelo

Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.

@Cheeseboy22

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”

@TheCiscoKidder

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

@XplodingUnicorn

I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.

It was called Dungeons and Dragons.

@PleaseBeGneiss

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind