the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
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man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
fixed it
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.