[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
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*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Boating season is upon us.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.