@MessJenkins

The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.

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@bencoffeehall

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

@st__arving

HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*

@themorris23

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

@fillthevacuum

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

@EliTerry

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

@rickkondell

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

@trishimal25

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

@SortaSarcastic

Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

@MatCro

[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]

[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”

VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”

@meganamram

This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other