The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
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99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime