The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
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*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Love it! 👍😂
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
There are usually two types of merchants.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]