The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
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Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.