@thisislizz

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

You Might Also Like

@Metalligretch

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

@bmarked21

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

@TheBoydP

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

@vangobot

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

@SabyForrester

“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”

@Parkerlawyer

7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.

@ninjadinosaur1

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

@whatsJo

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

@C_GraceT

I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING

@TheAndrewNadeau

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story