The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
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Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
When your parents check you’re ok.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Very good! 👍😂
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.