The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
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Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
It’s a gift
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober