The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
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ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”