The dark side of Canada
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[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
✌️
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.