The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
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“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”