The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
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One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
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– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Probably my best painting.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay