The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
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[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
s
oc
i
a
l
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done