The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
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Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
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whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*