Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr

Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.

A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill

MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

*whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

Meme Monday.

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.

[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?

*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY

My wife gives the best headache.