The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
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Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
The USS B port
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!