The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
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When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Tastes like chicken.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Warm pools make me nervous.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”