The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
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Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I have a type: disappointing
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line