The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
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Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.