The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
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I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.