The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
You Might Also Like
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Cndnsd Mlk
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”