The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
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When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think