The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
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*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey