The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
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Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.