The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
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It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
when you are just born a rebel
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls