The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
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If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*