The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
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The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
whenever i wake up before my alarm
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table