The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
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I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
The Birdles
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?