The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
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“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Still my favorite headline of all time:
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.