The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
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That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I hope it’s French Onion!
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.