The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
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Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I need a headline like this
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.