The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
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The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of