The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
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Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Just say no
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.