The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
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If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife