The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
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[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Nice try Hitler
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Made something I’m not proud of
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.