The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
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Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.