The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
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The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.