The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
You Might Also Like
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
PARKOUR
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Trumpy Cat
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
My life in a nutshell
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book