The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
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I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️