The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
You Might Also Like
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Swedish for common sense.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together