The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
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*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.