The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
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When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*