The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
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He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty