The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
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[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone